The one where it's the aftermath of TKKTKCseries...

Ever since The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan series Part 3 started trending on the Facebook, I was told that most people agreed with me, while some told me to get married before I speak of the topic. And I find this particularly funny because hantaran is before the marriage. So how can I talk about it when it matters before my marriage? Some people are bitter that I am trending on Facebook or my face is appearing non-stop. Okay, let's clear some stuffs between you and me:

• I never asked for the blog post to be trending. If I wanted it to trend, I would have tried my hardest to promote it back in November 2013. Actually, come to think of it I may have posted the link on my Facebook and Twitter after writing it. It didn't trend then (hahah I am not popular *cries*) but some popular kid out there shared on his/her page that probably had thousands of friends on his/her list. So don't hate me, hate the popular kid if you must.

• This topic is sensitive to the Malay community so what gives me a right to talk about it? Because I find it downright ridiculous that people are putting a price on their daughters yet no one is saying anything about it. Taboo? Well, it's about time someone said something. I know this is an unfavourable opinion for a woman especially, but I believe there's always a line between 'religion and tradition' and often people get carried away. Your hantaran is $10,000? K. I don't care, and I never will. It is unlike me to KPO on other people's business. So don't get all crappy with me because I spoil market or what. You're probably bitter because either you wish you're me or you fall on the other side of the debate. Either way, you can't win.

• I stand by my opinion that even if the guy side mampu to pay the hantaran, he still shouldn't. For one, to who are you trying to show? Why do you need to show? So what if he can pay me 30k but he does not have qualities of a good husband. No price can put on that kind of qualities. So I rather people see my husband as a good man who is able to take care of my needs, love me always, makes me happy, provide for me (on a daily basis instead of just one day) and is loyal to me. I pick that over 10k. What does 10k show? He can provide me a comfortable life but what if his perangai is shit and causes me unhappiness? So what lah, big deal 10k. Why not instead of asking me how much is the hantaran, ask if he makes me happy for a change? (To answer that question, Yes Baobei does make me very happy.) Anyway, my late BIL gave my sister hantaran of 15k (willingly as he initially planned on 10k but when his parents came over to merisik, he changed to 15k) not only did my own relatives talked shit about it but also said things like "Eh menantu Rahman kaya eh." My late BIL was not rich. He worked very hard and was thrifty. Big difference eh Makcik. (///Side track: I miss you Abang Faizal. I always wished you could have met Syahrul.)

• People say that hantaran will remind men about the hardships before the wedding which will then make him realised and work harder for the marriage. My take? Marriage is two person working hard on it, every f day. Yes, men are the ones who provide for us and they are our imam, But what makes you think that it should only be the men who works hard to make a marriage work? Both should make an equal effort to keep the marriage here work so you will be together in the thereafter. And since you women think it's so easy, why don't you save the same amount of money you asked for the hantaran on top of the wedding, and you tell me if it is easy. Not so easy to ask for 10k huh?

• My future MIL actually asked if Syahrul can give me 5k for hantaran instead of the agreed amount of $3,333.33 but Syahrul and I told her no (and explained my rationale instead of dismissing her suggestions because that is just downright rude). I understand where is she coming from because she wants people to know that her anak is doing well and is able to take care of a wife. But I also told her that I know that, my parents know that and they, as his parents, know that, and for me, that is more than enough. Besar or kecik, tetap people are going to talk about it. So no need to make it into a big fuss.

Anyway, we have already used part of the hantaran to book our flight for the honeymoon (that on a separate entry about how we going to present the duit hantaran on our wedding day since we have already used it) and definitely will be using more of it to book the hotels and miscellaneous stuffs once we have settled the itinerary.

But if you're still not happy, at least have the decency to say it to my face lah or directly to me. Instead of thrashing me on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or whatever lah. Don't be such a coward, I am so easy to find on all platforms of social media. You can also leave an anonymous comment for all I care, at least it's to me and not through other people. Please lah, grow some balls and then we can talk like human beings. If not, I suggest you eat up your unhappiness and let it die inside of you. K.

I am very opinionated so if you think you can't deal with it, don't read me. But if your choose to still do it, and you sakit hati, remember that you brought this upon yourself.  I have basic respect and courtesy for every human being but once we have crossed that line, I don't really have anything nice to say to you. 

Oh wells, you can't win with people who are so narrow minded. That's the sad, pathetic truth. Maybe some morals and education can give you a better prospective. If not, take this with a pinch of salt.

With all these drama-mama going on, I don't have the mood to blog about my fiancé's birthday which I will soon with the next few events that will be happening. Heh.

And for those who find me on various social media platform to tell me that you love my posts, I salute you! You and I will be very good friends. For those who are still being bitter and hate me, 

k.

I will not stop here, too. Oh to make things easier, you may find these series in the folder called TKKTKCseries. Have a good longgg weekend, because I will. Thank you for the du'as for a smooth sailing journey for our wedding. Syahrul and I appreciate it. In Shaa Allah it will, Amin.

The one that it escalated quickly...

I was told yesterday that my blog entry was trending on Facebook yesterday and believe me when I say I was stunned + surprised altogether. After all the post that was trending was written on 17th November 2013. So I am sure how did it resurface back. Hahaha! When someone commented on my IG about how she loves my blog posts, I thought it was funny to check my blog stats. 2000? Kidding right? The most number of visit was 800.

30 minutes later, it increased by 1000.

47, 272

I was also told that people had conflicting views about my blog post and I am cool with it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion anyway. But before you come up with a conclusion about my entry, you might want to catch up on The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan series:

The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan Part 1
The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan Part 2
The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan Part 3 (Currently trending)

And the post where I talk about Hantaran
The One Where Makciks' Dotters Speak of H

Oh, please play nice or I will not be nice either. After all, these are MY own opinions and we can hate or love it together. I welcome your opinions too. There's only one thing I ask which is to respect my family, fiancé and friends on my blog okay? If you have an issue with me, we can it talk out. I will be replying blog comments in a bit.

xo.

///POST NOTE: Even if the men mampu to come up with 10-15k, kena tunjuk ke? I am pretty sure there are certain things left better not known to many. Unless, tunjuk menunjuk is part of your plan in the first place. 

The one where Makciks & Dotters speak of the H.

Note: I foresee this as an unpopular opinion for Malay girls/Makciks but I can't be the only one right?

Yet again, I am touching this 'sensitive' topic about Hantaran. For the benefit of those confused souls about the hantaran, here is something I extracted when I was on ROMM website (so you don't pandai pandai cakap that I make up things ah). This the main purpose of the hantaran because quite frankly there are makciks out there who are trying to sell their daughters or their dotters (spelt with such glaring spelling error) who think that hantaran is a form of 'status'.

Hantaran or what is being said in marriage cert is 'marriage expenses'. Not status, not selling price.

HAH! In your face! For some reason, I am not sorry for being rude but gurlll, you need to get your priorities right. Makciks think that hantaran is a platform to show off to the whole community that your anak can provide this amount / your anak is receiving this amount. Like I have emphasized again and again about this hantaran matter, this is NOT even necessary especially when both sides are working and can afford to pay for wedding expenses.

And if you can't tell by now after reading me for so long, I am not the typical Malay bride that you see. I do NOT see hantaran as how capable this man I am marry is going to take care of me. If I did or my parents did, that is very sad because obviously his actions did not show that he could. Before the wedding/settling down talk happened between Baobei and I, I did ask him what is his 5 year plan with regards to his career. Is he planning to stay in service for long? Is he planning to take his bachelors? Is he planning to switch career? If I decide to be a stay home mother (though our country makes it impossible for a single income family to live comfortably), will he be able to provide for me, us and our family? Will he be able to provide for his parents if they decide to not work? THIS is far more important than how much he can provide on our nikah day. I don't see why people associate hantaran and how good of a husband he will be.

I pity our Malay men who worked their asses off just to come up with 10-15k (some 20k hahahais) for hantaran just because the girl side asks for it. Some of these men are only making 1.5k-2k a month, and still try to save for a wedding, which is NOT cheap by the way (have you tried asking quotations? NOT CHEAP!), and then they have to save for your ridiculous hantaran.

It is funny how our culture is. I have this hate-love relationship with it and most times, I find myself on the uglier side of this relationship. It is hard enough living in Singapore, trying to make ends meet. Then they have another burden on their shoulders. Korang perempuan yang tengah sedap duduk diam diam, tak kesiankan ke your husbands-to-be? Yes, it is a different story altogether if this man mampu because his salary allows it or you both have been together for very long and have been saving for this day. But it is different altogether when you both are together less than 2-3 years and tying down the knot in 1-2 years. You think it is easy? Why don't you also save the same amount that you asked as the hantaran, and you see if this is easy to obtain such amount by your wedding day on top of what you need to pay for the wedding. Not as easy as you think right?

I don't understand our makciks and why they do certain things as such. I speak for the male community because I feel that you girls/Makciks are taking advantage of it. 'Market price' my ass. Korang jangan macam faham and make it about 'status'. Money is already a bulk of relationship problems, I won't be surprised many of the Malay couples start their marriage with a huge debt and end with lots of arguments before the huge D. And it is not even the dirty D I would like it to be.

Worst still, I cannot stand girls who compare hantaran among their friends and make it a competition.

Minah to friend: "Yours is how much ah?"  

Friend: "8k." 

*Balik rumah, call boifie.*

Minah to boifie: "Bae, Kawan I nyer hantaran 8k. I nak 9k."

*throws table*

I have also voiced my opinions about extravagant engagements/weddings which you can find under "Most Talked About."


[POST NOTE]: Yes, my hantaran is $3333.33 ( in which Ibu-Baobei insisted on the 33 cents which I think it is cute. Haha, so I went with it) and PROUD. I have nothing to be ashamed of or feeling bitter about it that everyone's hantaran is so much more than mine. Hehe. I told Mama even way before I met Baobei that whoever intends to marry me, this will be the hantaran. It is after all my favourite number and as I am capable of paying for my side of the wedding expenses, hantaran is not even needed in the first place. But since this is part of our 'custom', the hantaran money Baobei is giving is into our honeymoon fund. After all going to three places over the span of 2 weeks is not cheap. Hehehe.

The Kakak-Kakak Kahwin/Tunang Clan Part 3.

Makcik-KPO are very toxic and people you cannot avoid. They can be people in your family or people who are somehow related to your family (you know Malays lah). A brief description of Makcik-KPO is that they are typically in their 40s, but nowadays they can be in their 20s too. Okay okay, before I continue let me tell you the TWO prominent symptoms of a Makcik-KPO;

• Their first and only question to a someone's conversation about a person getting married is, "Hantaran dia berapa?" which in translation is "How much is the dowry?"
• They LOVE to compare hantaran among couples.

I love this question when it is asked to my face because my very pedas answer will always be "Why? Are you helping the man pay for it?" Their reaction: Priceless. Ask somemore lah, I like.

Let's bring in religion prospect about hantaran: It is NOT compulsory. I like to emphasize what is necessary and what is not, because people make a big fuss out of something that is not even needed in the first place. What is important is the mas kahwin. Now why don't people ask that?

Okay next, what is the hantaran for? I have heard many versions but let me tell you the most practical and practiced by my family; It is to help with the girl's side of the wedding. Usually the girl's side of the wedding is more grand thus, more people. The money that is given by the boy's side is to help to ease the payments of the wedding. OR in the olden days, girls usually don't work or earn as much, thus lessen the burden. But the girl would have saved money for her side of the wedding (if not why get married right?) so it will be used for honeymoon or put in savings together as a married couple. But now, smart couples do combined wedding to save costs. (Kuddos to smart couples) So when you combined a wedding, then the hantaran is not necessary anymore isn't it?

These days, hantaran has a ‘market price’. I hate it when people use the term ‘market price’ so loosely. For one, your daughter is not an animal/thing you are selling at the market. So please, remove that degrading term away from something beautiful. Two, whose market are we following? Is this Singapore’s market price? Are you honestly telling me if Baobei does not pay the supposedly market price, he is less of a husband?

Yes, I have also taken into consideration that hantaran is also to show that the man is able to provide for his future wife and family. So are you telling me that if the man is able to produce $10,000 on the wedding day, he is able to do so for the rest of his life as and when his wife asks for it? Why can’t we judge if the man is able to take of his future wife and family by the job that he has and his future plans?

For me, it is very easy. You have a stable job, you have a 5 year plan, and a plan to get that 5 year plan working and one day, when we have children and I don’t want to work for awhile, he is able to provide for us comfortably. I pick that over a miserable $10,000 for that one day.

Families take advantage of the fact that their daughter is a undergraduate/diploma holder, thus the hantaran is more expensive. What kind of rubbish is that? Yes, you brought up your daughter with a good education and now she holds a good job, but the one who has to pay for that gratitude is your daughter, not your future son in-law. That’s why we children give our parents money monthly when we start to work (or your children don’t do that? Or you don't give your parents monthly money?).

I don’t have to look far for a good example because my parents are not your typical Malay parents. They have never set a price on their daughters. When my late BIL came over with his parents to ask my sister's hand in marriage, my parents asked "How much can you afford?"

I am not saying that all parents should be like mine. Actually, scratch that. ALL parents should be like mine. When you set a ‘price’ so high, not only are you putting additional pressure to the relationship (as if there is not enough with as the wedding day progresses), you are also making this man work his remaining single life like a slave just so he can marry your daughter. Then when he goes astray or cancels the wedding last minute, you blame him. Has it occurred to you that the unnecessary pressure from YOU may be the underlying reason?

I have heard stories like blank cheques are presented on nikah because they were unable to come up with the money or couples starting their married life with a huge debt because they borrow money from relatives/banks/loan sharks just so they can meet this unrealistic expectation. You are so worried people will talk about the small amount of duit hantaran, you don’t think of the repercussion of the big amount? Aren't you giving more things for people to talk about? That’s just backfiring.

I have hopes that our Malay society will stop putting a price to everything. Money is not everything in a marriage. I may not be married yet, but I know what I want in a man. It is not how much he can provide in that one day but for the rest of the days of our life together. If you as a BTB (bride to be) feel the need to show off that your hantaran is $10, 000 or $15, 000 grow the hell up. Or better yet, don't get married because you certainly have not matured at all.

If you remove the superficial skin of weddings, I am pretty sure you will look forward to a beautiful wedding, and a more beautiful marriage. Let the Makcik-KPO talk, because we cannot shut their mouths. If they cannot be happy, so be it. Who needs such negativity in our life? Certainly not me.

So you are most welcome not to attend my wedding.



///Post note: You may also want to read these babies
The one that it escalated quickly...
The one where it's the aftermath of the TKKTKC

The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan Part 2.

Disclaimer: Actually there is none because this is going to offend 97% people I know who are currently or already in the ‘Kakak-kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan’. Sorry, I am not sorry at all. This does not apply to families with only one child or to the oldest child in the family because I understand the excitement that comes with it.

After The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Wedding Clan Part 1 post, I am surprised some of us Modern Malay Girls (MMGs) still have a lot of common sense in us (yay us!). I, of course, am going to continue this pedih post for those who are still hung up on your very own The Modern Malay Engagement. Please, by all means, because my classy, chic engagement (did I just reveal something here? Stay tuned to the end of the post) is going to be just The Engagement.

I have made many online friends on Instagram (@mypussykatt) and was crazy enough to plan meet-ups with some of them. I am very lucky to have met such awesome bunch of girls. They have sort of become my SOS girly friends when I need a girl’s opinions (yes, I am one of those girls whose best friend is a guy). The rest are just known as Instagram-people. Recently, I have seen some got hitched, some got engaged, some got in a relationship, some doubting their boyfriends, some are in the midst of their wedding/engagement preparations, some just broke up and some got dumped. You name it; it is all over the internet. I guess some girls didn’t get the memo about airing their dirty laundry (I am not talking about the good stuffs because that's a yay!).

I would like to include one part of The Modern Malay Engagement that slipped my mind; exchanging of dulangs. (I am dying to say pls)

What The Engagement should be like:

• A ring for either just the girl* or both
• A cake for 8 persons with wordings “Happy Engagement xxx & xxx”
• A fruit/chocolate basket

*We have to consider the fact that guys are not like us girls. We can own 20 rings and put on all of them at one go while they just want one. So ask yourself if an engagement or wedding ring is more important for him to wear every day. And if I hear any MMGs saying things like, “How would people know that he is engaged or not if he doesn’t wear a ring?” WOW. I would just have to say that you’re that insecure and that you have no trust in your fiancé which is very sad.

What The Malay Modern Engagement is like:

• A pair of rings
• A cake for 20 persons with same wordings
• A fruit/chocolate basket or both
• A *insert brand* watch
• A *insert brand* bag
• A *insert brand* wallet
• A *insert brand* something invalid
• A *insert brand* something inavlid

No one in the right mind would reject a list of gifts. No one. I would ask for 9 pairs of shoes if I wanted to and have no love for my relationship. Not because he can’t afford them but why am I burdening my other half to get things for me? He is not even my husband yet and already I am driving him away with my wants and not needs. Are you that incapable of getting your own things or the kind that needs a man to get you all of those? Please keep in mind that engagement is not even mandatory in the first place, and ask yourself what is the reason (not excuse) the both of you do it in the first place.

Remember we talked about keeping it simple and classy.

Lastly, MMGs these days including their parents (not sure if this hereditary) are so worried what people think. Why do you feel the need to show people what you have or going to have? If I ask for only the minimal and very important things, will people say that Baobei and I are poor? *boo hoo* You want to know why you are so worried about people talking about you?

It is because you did a damn good job at talking about other people's happy events.

That is why you’re so damn worried what people might say about your own. I, for one, never come for an event to see what was on the dulang or if the ring has a huge ass diamond sitting on it. I don't care. I am happy for my person, take pictures, compliment her/him and makan. I love makan you know? If you feel the need to do outdo others because this status is more important than anything else in the world, well wake up sweetheart.

I can never understand MMGs who cannot be happy for people. If you can't be happy for what I have, you are certainly not welcome to celebrate my happy day(s) with me. With the hint being said, do you know what happens during a merisik? Keep close because I will tell you what I thought would happen and what actually happened during mine.

Yes, mine.
*screams YAY

The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan Part 1.

Disclaimer: Actually there is none because this is going to offend 97% people I know who are currently or already in the ‘Kakak-kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan’. Sorry, I am not sorry at all. This does not apply to families with only one child or to the oldest child in the family because I understand the excitement that comes with it.

Today’s Malay Society makes it hard for young couples to get engaged and married because it is ridiculously expensive. Like as if it isn't expensive enough to survive in Singapore itself, declaring my love also costs? Well, you're not going to fool me wedding-people! (Not now though, so don’t get overly excited!)

The Modern Malay Engagement.

I have always thought that engagement is a waste of money. For one, it is NOT mandatory in our religion as Muslims. One of my early 20s life crisis was finding someone with husband/father material who sees life the way I do. (And I did, haha.) One of it is to see that engagement is just little bonuses to the wedding companies who are sucking young couples’ money dry. Let alone ‘The Modern Malay Engagement’.

First, ask this, “What is the purpose of an engagement?”

•           To ‘chope’ your person
•           To bring your commitment level a notch higher
•           A reason to start planning your wedding
•           An excuse to have a ring
•           To show off
•           Pleasant in the eyes of families

For me (if I ever have to do one), the sole reason has to be because of family. I understand that my parents and potential in-laws are conservative (to a small extent). It is always nice to go to family events and introduce your kid’s partner as fiancé/fiancée rather than friend/girlfriend/boyfriend.

///Side track: My family has always referred Baobei as “Atie nyer kawan/boyfriend,” while Baobei’s family has always referred me as “Nizam nyer kawan.” I think there was once at a wedding his dad said, “Bakal.” (Insert a big smug face)

I thought an excuse to have a ring has always been a nice touch but I am not big on diamonds and don’t really care much for how many carats it is. It can be a carrot, and I don’t give a flying saucer pan.

///Side track again: Currently on my ring finger is the diamond ring my late brother in law gave my sister on their wedding day. As my sister recently remarried her LOHL (love of her life), the old wedding ring no longer sits on her ring finger. I loved and miss my late brother in law all the time, so I like the reminder of a good man he was with me wherever I go. (A little secret: It makes me feel safe like I have an angel of my own.)

If your insecurity makes you feel the need to reserve someone, please have a look at your relationship again. If you need an engagement to bring your commitment level one level higher, please have a look at your relationship again. Your loyalty and level of commitment should remain the same, high and up there, the moment you both decided to date each other exclusively. If you need a reason to start planning your big day, WHY HAVEN’T YOU ALREADY? (I planned my ideal one since I decided I want to settle down. That was like 2012 though I very naughty haha.) If you feel the need to flaunt the engagement status, you seriously need to grow the hell up. (I couldn’t bring myself to write the F word.)

Now to The Modern Malay Engagement.

What I find it bloody ridiculous is the extent of a small significant event turned to like a mini-wedding. I cannot emphasize how ridiculous Malays can be. It is VERY embarrassing because my friends/colleagues who aren’t Malay always ask me if our engagement is like ROM (Registry of Marriage) which is FAR from it. I find it my responsibility to clear the air and mess created by Malays who go to such extends for just an engagement. Yes, just.

Let’s list out possible symptoms of The Modern Malay Engagement

• You have a guest list completed with invitation cards. I don’t really have an issue but this is just like a wedding. Of course, you can argue back and say that you want to celebrate a milestone in your life/relationship with your loved ones. But there’s a limit to everything. Invitation cards are not necessary. Personally a nice touch will be inviting by mouth and just what'sapp the details. You also don’t have to invite friends. Just the closest of the closest ones. After all, it is just an engagement.
• The event is held at a grand venue like community centre, country club etc. Under the block can still be acceptable because not everyone has huge house that can accommodate your long list of guests. It also gives your house breathing space. But please.
•  Hiring freelance make-up artist to do your hair and make-up is still okay. But you go to extend hiring MUA (make up artists) bridal companies? Hiring photographer/videographer? Renting out clothes from bridal companies? Having a change of clothes? 2 to 3 sets? Doing inai? (Haha this is bloody ridiculous!) Not only do you spend so much on a small significant event, you are also taking out the fun on your actual wedding day.
• You have a (freaking!!!) pelamin. Now, please explain the significant of this.
• You do a photo shoot. Again, just taking out the fun of your wedding day.

If I ever have The Engagement (not I remove the words 'Modern' and 'Malay'), I am not going to torture myself and sit at the chair for a couple of hours, waiting for people to take pictures with me. The only time I am going to sit my ass down and take pictures is when the sarung cincin (putting on the ring by the mother/sister of the boy’s side) and a couple of shots of my family and closest of the closest friends that I invite which I can count with my fingers. This is not my wedding day, so please don’t make me go through it twice okay? I even ask Kakak if on my sanding day the hours be shorten. What if I become bored or sleepy? Or my facial muscles stop working? Don't take away the fun of your actual day! Why would you want to do that?!

Make it small and significant.

“Jangan hebohkan apa yang belum ditentukan.*” Fiza-O

*Paraphrased

Yes, everyone in the right mind wants one engagement and one wedding in their life. But I have seen how many engagements fall apart. I don’t have to look far because Kakak went through three engagements (one with her late husband, one with a douche and one with her now husband) and Abang went through one engagement. It doesn't mean that an engagement is a sure thing. We can only pray that we are doing the right things all the time. What I am really saying is the money spend on The Modern Malay Engagement can be used to fund your wedding, honeymoon, house etc.

Don’t make it overrated. Some things are just classy when it is small and intimate.

///Side track: With that, Baobei when you going down on one bended knee, and tell me why you love to wake up, and fall asleep next to me every day for the rest of your life, and why I am the best and only fit to be your soulmate and mother of your kids because you know in a heartbeat I would say yes. So don’t ask rhetorical question okay?