The Kakak-Kakak Kahwin/Tunang Clan Part 3.

Makcik-KPO are very toxic and people you cannot avoid. They can be people in your family or people who are somehow related to your family (you know Malays lah). A brief description of Makcik-KPO is that they are typically in their 40s, but nowadays they can be in their 20s too. Okay okay, before I continue let me tell you the TWO prominent symptoms of a Makcik-KPO;

• Their first and only question to a someone's conversation about a person getting married is, "Hantaran dia berapa?" which in translation is "How much is the dowry?"
• They LOVE to compare hantaran among couples.

I love this question when it is asked to my face because my very pedas answer will always be "Why? Are you helping the man pay for it?" Their reaction: Priceless. Ask somemore lah, I like.

Let's bring in religion prospect about hantaran: It is NOT compulsory. I like to emphasize what is necessary and what is not, because people make a big fuss out of something that is not even needed in the first place. What is important is the mas kahwin. Now why don't people ask that?

Okay next, what is the hantaran for? I have heard many versions but let me tell you the most practical and practiced by my family; It is to help with the girl's side of the wedding. Usually the girl's side of the wedding is more grand thus, more people. The money that is given by the boy's side is to help to ease the payments of the wedding. OR in the olden days, girls usually don't work or earn as much, thus lessen the burden. But the girl would have saved money for her side of the wedding (if not why get married right?) so it will be used for honeymoon or put in savings together as a married couple. But now, smart couples do combined wedding to save costs. (Kuddos to smart couples) So when you combined a wedding, then the hantaran is not necessary anymore isn't it?

These days, hantaran has a ‘market price’. I hate it when people use the term ‘market price’ so loosely. For one, your daughter is not an animal/thing you are selling at the market. So please, remove that degrading term away from something beautiful. Two, whose market are we following? Is this Singapore’s market price? Are you honestly telling me if Baobei does not pay the supposedly market price, he is less of a husband?

Yes, I have also taken into consideration that hantaran is also to show that the man is able to provide for his future wife and family. So are you telling me that if the man is able to produce $10,000 on the wedding day, he is able to do so for the rest of his life as and when his wife asks for it? Why can’t we judge if the man is able to take of his future wife and family by the job that he has and his future plans?

For me, it is very easy. You have a stable job, you have a 5 year plan, and a plan to get that 5 year plan working and one day, when we have children and I don’t want to work for awhile, he is able to provide for us comfortably. I pick that over a miserable $10,000 for that one day.

Families take advantage of the fact that their daughter is a undergraduate/diploma holder, thus the hantaran is more expensive. What kind of rubbish is that? Yes, you brought up your daughter with a good education and now she holds a good job, but the one who has to pay for that gratitude is your daughter, not your future son in-law. That’s why we children give our parents money monthly when we start to work (or your children don’t do that? Or you don't give your parents monthly money?).

I don’t have to look far for a good example because my parents are not your typical Malay parents. They have never set a price on their daughters. When my late BIL came over with his parents to ask my sister's hand in marriage, my parents asked "How much can you afford?"

I am not saying that all parents should be like mine. Actually, scratch that. ALL parents should be like mine. When you set a ‘price’ so high, not only are you putting additional pressure to the relationship (as if there is not enough with as the wedding day progresses), you are also making this man work his remaining single life like a slave just so he can marry your daughter. Then when he goes astray or cancels the wedding last minute, you blame him. Has it occurred to you that the unnecessary pressure from YOU may be the underlying reason?

I have heard stories like blank cheques are presented on nikah because they were unable to come up with the money or couples starting their married life with a huge debt because they borrow money from relatives/banks/loan sharks just so they can meet this unrealistic expectation. You are so worried people will talk about the small amount of duit hantaran, you don’t think of the repercussion of the big amount? Aren't you giving more things for people to talk about? That’s just backfiring.

I have hopes that our Malay society will stop putting a price to everything. Money is not everything in a marriage. I may not be married yet, but I know what I want in a man. It is not how much he can provide in that one day but for the rest of the days of our life together. If you as a BTB (bride to be) feel the need to show off that your hantaran is $10, 000 or $15, 000 grow the hell up. Or better yet, don't get married because you certainly have not matured at all.

If you remove the superficial skin of weddings, I am pretty sure you will look forward to a beautiful wedding, and a more beautiful marriage. Let the Makcik-KPO talk, because we cannot shut their mouths. If they cannot be happy, so be it. Who needs such negativity in our life? Certainly not me.

So you are most welcome not to attend my wedding.



///Post note: You may also want to read these babies
The one that it escalated quickly...
The one where it's the aftermath of the TKKTKC

Plans all on hold///

I have been super busy with examination preps that I am have been too tired and uninspired lately. I have the final of 'The Kakak-Kakak Kahwin/Tunang Clan Part 3' to wrap up whatever bitching I need to do about my Malay community and their stupid antics. I am sorry, but I am just going to be blunt. I have been stuck about my Bridesmaids post and that will take awhile but I have more or less know who I want to be part of my big day.

So all plans are on hold until I am done for my last paper (19th). I have last three days including today before I embrace my 6 weeks of holidays. Baobei has been nothing but sweet and understanding that I am all stressed up with exams, plans (haha because I love planning) and imbalanced hormones that I am extra cranky. Just yesterday I got a earful for being so cranky but I am so glad he worked around it. It is nice to see him laughing at my cranky what'sapp messages.

This is a wrap to tell you that I have more things in stored. I am going to make a list of companies that I have enquired for the different things for my engagement/wedding. I might even share with you my excel sheet if you're planning to do an engagement/wedding soon. It is different for each of you, depending what you have discussed with the other half.

Less than a month to our trip to Bangkok for our last trip as singles. Are you ready for Bridezilla Renny? I sure as hell am.

The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan Part 2.

Disclaimer: Actually there is none because this is going to offend 97% people I know who are currently or already in the ‘Kakak-kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan’. Sorry, I am not sorry at all. This does not apply to families with only one child or to the oldest child in the family because I understand the excitement that comes with it.

After The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Wedding Clan Part 1 post, I am surprised some of us Modern Malay Girls (MMGs) still have a lot of common sense in us (yay us!). I, of course, am going to continue this pedih post for those who are still hung up on your very own The Modern Malay Engagement. Please, by all means, because my classy, chic engagement (did I just reveal something here? Stay tuned to the end of the post) is going to be just The Engagement.

I have made many online friends on Instagram (@mypussykatt) and was crazy enough to plan meet-ups with some of them. I am very lucky to have met such awesome bunch of girls. They have sort of become my SOS girly friends when I need a girl’s opinions (yes, I am one of those girls whose best friend is a guy). The rest are just known as Instagram-people. Recently, I have seen some got hitched, some got engaged, some got in a relationship, some doubting their boyfriends, some are in the midst of their wedding/engagement preparations, some just broke up and some got dumped. You name it; it is all over the internet. I guess some girls didn’t get the memo about airing their dirty laundry (I am not talking about the good stuffs because that's a yay!).

I would like to include one part of The Modern Malay Engagement that slipped my mind; exchanging of dulangs. (I am dying to say pls)

What The Engagement should be like:

• A ring for either just the girl* or both
• A cake for 8 persons with wordings “Happy Engagement xxx & xxx”
• A fruit/chocolate basket

*We have to consider the fact that guys are not like us girls. We can own 20 rings and put on all of them at one go while they just want one. So ask yourself if an engagement or wedding ring is more important for him to wear every day. And if I hear any MMGs saying things like, “How would people know that he is engaged or not if he doesn’t wear a ring?” WOW. I would just have to say that you’re that insecure and that you have no trust in your fiancé which is very sad.

What The Malay Modern Engagement is like:

• A pair of rings
• A cake for 20 persons with same wordings
• A fruit/chocolate basket or both
• A *insert brand* watch
• A *insert brand* bag
• A *insert brand* wallet
• A *insert brand* something invalid
• A *insert brand* something inavlid

No one in the right mind would reject a list of gifts. No one. I would ask for 9 pairs of shoes if I wanted to and have no love for my relationship. Not because he can’t afford them but why am I burdening my other half to get things for me? He is not even my husband yet and already I am driving him away with my wants and not needs. Are you that incapable of getting your own things or the kind that needs a man to get you all of those? Please keep in mind that engagement is not even mandatory in the first place, and ask yourself what is the reason (not excuse) the both of you do it in the first place.

Remember we talked about keeping it simple and classy.

Lastly, MMGs these days including their parents (not sure if this hereditary) are so worried what people think. Why do you feel the need to show people what you have or going to have? If I ask for only the minimal and very important things, will people say that Baobei and I are poor? *boo hoo* You want to know why you are so worried about people talking about you?

It is because you did a damn good job at talking about other people's happy events.

That is why you’re so damn worried what people might say about your own. I, for one, never come for an event to see what was on the dulang or if the ring has a huge ass diamond sitting on it. I don't care. I am happy for my person, take pictures, compliment her/him and makan. I love makan you know? If you feel the need to do outdo others because this status is more important than anything else in the world, well wake up sweetheart.

I can never understand MMGs who cannot be happy for people. If you can't be happy for what I have, you are certainly not welcome to celebrate my happy day(s) with me. With the hint being said, do you know what happens during a merisik? Keep close because I will tell you what I thought would happen and what actually happened during mine.

Yes, mine.
*screams YAY

The Kakak-Kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan Part 1.

Disclaimer: Actually there is none because this is going to offend 97% people I know who are currently or already in the ‘Kakak-kakak Tunang/Kahwin Clan’. Sorry, I am not sorry at all. This does not apply to families with only one child or to the oldest child in the family because I understand the excitement that comes with it.

Today’s Malay Society makes it hard for young couples to get engaged and married because it is ridiculously expensive. Like as if it isn't expensive enough to survive in Singapore itself, declaring my love also costs? Well, you're not going to fool me wedding-people! (Not now though, so don’t get overly excited!)

The Modern Malay Engagement.

I have always thought that engagement is a waste of money. For one, it is NOT mandatory in our religion as Muslims. One of my early 20s life crisis was finding someone with husband/father material who sees life the way I do. (And I did, haha.) One of it is to see that engagement is just little bonuses to the wedding companies who are sucking young couples’ money dry. Let alone ‘The Modern Malay Engagement’.

First, ask this, “What is the purpose of an engagement?”

•           To ‘chope’ your person
•           To bring your commitment level a notch higher
•           A reason to start planning your wedding
•           An excuse to have a ring
•           To show off
•           Pleasant in the eyes of families

For me (if I ever have to do one), the sole reason has to be because of family. I understand that my parents and potential in-laws are conservative (to a small extent). It is always nice to go to family events and introduce your kid’s partner as fiancé/fiancée rather than friend/girlfriend/boyfriend.

///Side track: My family has always referred Baobei as “Atie nyer kawan/boyfriend,” while Baobei’s family has always referred me as “Nizam nyer kawan.” I think there was once at a wedding his dad said, “Bakal.” (Insert a big smug face)

I thought an excuse to have a ring has always been a nice touch but I am not big on diamonds and don’t really care much for how many carats it is. It can be a carrot, and I don’t give a flying saucer pan.

///Side track again: Currently on my ring finger is the diamond ring my late brother in law gave my sister on their wedding day. As my sister recently remarried her LOHL (love of her life), the old wedding ring no longer sits on her ring finger. I loved and miss my late brother in law all the time, so I like the reminder of a good man he was with me wherever I go. (A little secret: It makes me feel safe like I have an angel of my own.)

If your insecurity makes you feel the need to reserve someone, please have a look at your relationship again. If you need an engagement to bring your commitment level one level higher, please have a look at your relationship again. Your loyalty and level of commitment should remain the same, high and up there, the moment you both decided to date each other exclusively. If you need a reason to start planning your big day, WHY HAVEN’T YOU ALREADY? (I planned my ideal one since I decided I want to settle down. That was like 2012 though I very naughty haha.) If you feel the need to flaunt the engagement status, you seriously need to grow the hell up. (I couldn’t bring myself to write the F word.)

Now to The Modern Malay Engagement.

What I find it bloody ridiculous is the extent of a small significant event turned to like a mini-wedding. I cannot emphasize how ridiculous Malays can be. It is VERY embarrassing because my friends/colleagues who aren’t Malay always ask me if our engagement is like ROM (Registry of Marriage) which is FAR from it. I find it my responsibility to clear the air and mess created by Malays who go to such extends for just an engagement. Yes, just.

Let’s list out possible symptoms of The Modern Malay Engagement

• You have a guest list completed with invitation cards. I don’t really have an issue but this is just like a wedding. Of course, you can argue back and say that you want to celebrate a milestone in your life/relationship with your loved ones. But there’s a limit to everything. Invitation cards are not necessary. Personally a nice touch will be inviting by mouth and just what'sapp the details. You also don’t have to invite friends. Just the closest of the closest ones. After all, it is just an engagement.
• The event is held at a grand venue like community centre, country club etc. Under the block can still be acceptable because not everyone has huge house that can accommodate your long list of guests. It also gives your house breathing space. But please.
•  Hiring freelance make-up artist to do your hair and make-up is still okay. But you go to extend hiring MUA (make up artists) bridal companies? Hiring photographer/videographer? Renting out clothes from bridal companies? Having a change of clothes? 2 to 3 sets? Doing inai? (Haha this is bloody ridiculous!) Not only do you spend so much on a small significant event, you are also taking out the fun on your actual wedding day.
• You have a (freaking!!!) pelamin. Now, please explain the significant of this.
• You do a photo shoot. Again, just taking out the fun of your wedding day.

If I ever have The Engagement (not I remove the words 'Modern' and 'Malay'), I am not going to torture myself and sit at the chair for a couple of hours, waiting for people to take pictures with me. The only time I am going to sit my ass down and take pictures is when the sarung cincin (putting on the ring by the mother/sister of the boy’s side) and a couple of shots of my family and closest of the closest friends that I invite which I can count with my fingers. This is not my wedding day, so please don’t make me go through it twice okay? I even ask Kakak if on my sanding day the hours be shorten. What if I become bored or sleepy? Or my facial muscles stop working? Don't take away the fun of your actual day! Why would you want to do that?!

Make it small and significant.

“Jangan hebohkan apa yang belum ditentukan.*” Fiza-O

*Paraphrased

Yes, everyone in the right mind wants one engagement and one wedding in their life. But I have seen how many engagements fall apart. I don’t have to look far because Kakak went through three engagements (one with her late husband, one with a douche and one with her now husband) and Abang went through one engagement. It doesn't mean that an engagement is a sure thing. We can only pray that we are doing the right things all the time. What I am really saying is the money spend on The Modern Malay Engagement can be used to fund your wedding, honeymoon, house etc.

Don’t make it overrated. Some things are just classy when it is small and intimate.

///Side track: With that, Baobei when you going down on one bended knee, and tell me why you love to wake up, and fall asleep next to me every day for the rest of your life, and why I am the best and only fit to be your soulmate and mother of your kids because you know in a heartbeat I would say yes. So don’t ask rhetorical question okay?

Date a man who is ...

You know the latest craze where it starts with 'Date a girl who is...' My bestfriend, H, read about the 'Date a girl who travels' and thought of me. He said "(Smelly S) is very lucky to have you." People keep telling me that my Smelly S is very lucky to have me, but I think I am just equally lucky to have him. So here's my version of 'Date a man who is...'

Date a man who is not afraid to show you to his world, which includes his family and best friends. Date a man who tells the world about you because he is proud to have you, and only you. When he does that to a world of strangers, he is also telling them that there's nothing more that he wants other than you. No one else matters. Date a man who takes time off his day to meet you even after 24 hour shift and only had 2 hours of sleep. Date a man who is always trying to fix things even when you're the one who breaks it over the smallest of things. He will stay even if it's after midnight and the cab ride back home is going to cost a bomb, because he made a promise not to let you go to sleep feeling angry. Date a man who made you cry, not out of sadness, but by the things you least expected him to say. Date a man who wiped away the tears when he listened to your story and shares your burden with you. Because he said that your joy becomes his, and your burden is his to carry too. Date a man who holds you hand when you cross the road because he always wants you to be safe. He texts you to ride and drive safe not because he thinks you're a reckless driver/rider, but others might be and he just wants you to be home in one piece. Date a man who jokes almost all the time because every day with him is a different day or maybe he just likes to listen to your laughter or just how your face lights up. Date a man who loves waking up to you, and says it's the 'best feeling ever', and you know you look like crap with no make-up, and god forbid, with an oily face. Many a times he says you don't need make-up because he has seen the naked face and love you just the same. Date a man who whispers 'love you' in your ear like he is telling you a secret and kisses your forehead. He knows you like hugs from behind, and he unexpectedly comes from behind when you're browsing for things on the shelf and just wrap his arms around you. Date a man who allows you to lie on his arm for hours and will try not to move or take it away even if it's probably cramping. Or when you wake up the same time as he does, and he kisses your cheek and says, "Good morning." Date a man who knows what he wants in his future, and it's a bonus if he includes you in it without having you to ask. He may promise you the impossible like to love you and only you (no cheating) forever and always, never to leave you and want to spend the rest of his life here and thereafter. Date a man who calls you his soulmate. Date this man, be vulnerable with him, allow him to love you at your best and at your worst, and allow this man... to marry you.

Two Zero One Five. I love you, baobei.