Lately, I have been avoiding the wedding countdown app on my phone because I have this habit of opening every few days, and it feels really, really slow. So now, I open once a week and it feels amazingly fast. Haha psychology hancur! Further more, I have been meeting my bridesmaids, one by one, over the week while having our little catch up sessions, making me feel more excited because they keep asking me about my preps and how they can help. I am actually contemplating to DIY my wedding invites, HAHA see how lah hor. 150 odd cards!
Anyway, it looks like I have come a long way. Not we okay, I. When I was 14, I never dreamed about getting married. Along the way, I envisioned about getting married at 24, have my first kid at 26, close factory at 30 after my 3rd kid. That has always been at the back of my head, and +- 3 months, it will come true. Well, the first part of the whole dream. In Shaa Allah.
I was different. I grew up, a little chubby on the thighs and a little darker than the 'ideal' shade. I took things very hard, so when I got into heart breaks, it was not easy for me to deal with. I didn't grow up being close to my family because I distant myself, so it always felt that the world is on my shoulders. I used to cut myself. I started at 14 and only stopped at 21. I had this disgusting habit of eating disorder because I wasn't skinny enough at 15, that Mama threatened to take me to the hospital if I didn't eat, after fasting for 3 days with just water. I don't have the perfect skin. My face often had quite a breakout and leave with marks, even if I left them alone. My back (still) has acne and scares of old ones because I am allergic to my sweat and sea water.
But one day, I stopped pushing myself to the edge and stopped thinking about 2 hoots what people think of me. I am proud of my scars and have never made an effort to hide them. I wear sleeveless tops even though my back can be quite ugly on some days. But you know what? I learnt that if you love everything about you, there is nothing that people can use against you. There's no one in this world can make me feel ugly because of whatever society deems to be ugly. No such thing lah. I have always been straight forward about my story because if you're going to judge me, do it at first impression. I don't have time for second or third round of judging that is going to make you change your opinion of me.
I remember when I told Baobei about the horrible things that happened to me when I was growing up, and honestly I was not afraid if whatever he thought of me changed, because this is something that is not going to change down the lane. Instead, he hugged me and said "You're the best person in the world."
I remember the first time he tried to tell me that he had feelings for me. It was back in 2012 and he was in Batam with his colleagues. It was at night when he what'sapped me and said that he has something to tell me. Fast forward, we were in the MBS Infinity Pool, looking at the skyline and I asked him to tell me (again, because I was impatient and demanded him to say it via whatsapp haha tak sabar betul eh).
My colleague got us girls at night when we were at the club, and I told him no and went back to the hotel room with another colleague. That was when I knew I had feelings for you.
Truth to be told, Baobei has never asked me to be his girlfriend or proposed. Actually on one of those days I did ask him (angrily hahaha) why he never propose to me, and he said "I said I am not going anywhere what. That means I want to marry you." Ye lah Baobei, boleh lah. Anyway we went from getting to know each other via IG, to his parents asking for my hand in marriage to engagement and now, just waiting to be husband and wife. I am just glad we never went through the "BTO then to proposing," which I don't have an issue but it defeats the purpose. And we will have only ONE anniversary to celebrate (engagement was not a date chosen by us haha so tak nak. Plus by the time our first anniversary as fiancé and fianceè, we will be married by then).
9 months of knowing each other (on and off), dated and stayed together for 14 months, and engaged for 8 months and counting before tying the know in January 2015. That is definitely an achievement for the both of us, and we are planning to stay that way.
What I learnt that is important in the world is love myself first before falling in love with another human being. I learnt to respect myself for letting go of the things I can't change (yes, have some self respect!), and falling in love with the wrong people. Baobei used to say "I wish we met earlier so we would have more time together. But it's okay, forever is a long time." That's right, baby. Anyway if you would have met me earlier, you wouldn't know what is it you DON'T want in life.
So a note to myself; if you love everything about you and your partner, there's nothing in this world that someone can make you feel crappy about it. You can throw anything in my direction that is about me or my partner, and there's nothing that is going to make me love less. So once you have come that long way, those small little things in the past can't get to you. You know the famous pinterest saying
So there you go. Absolute powerless.
You think my back is ugly? Stop looking at it.
I am childish for cutting for myself? It is done and over. I moved on, so please do too.
I am fat? It won't kill me to be on the plus size.
I am ugly? I own a mirror, and it says otherwise to me. Then again, to each of their own.
I love myself most, but I love Baobei more for showing me that I am capable of much, much more love.
Anyway, more wedding updates soon because I have a couple of things to share with all of you! Especially after we spend close to 2 hours designing our rings. Honeymoon updates when I have more (after all I don't think I have mentioned where I will be going).
Eid Ul Adha Al Mubarak, to all.
(Sorry, I just copy + paste Baobei's caption haha)
I will be back with more.
Love me or hate me, I will see you soon.
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